The Real Divorce Cutting the Ties that Bind

Your divorce decree is only step one in moving into a new life after divorce. The real divorce is the cutting of the emotional, mental and physical ties that still bind you to your ex-husband. This is the real work of divorce recovery: becoming a single woman possessed of confidence, self-esteem, an enthusiasm for life and most important, a complete break from the emotional turmoil that led to your divorce in the first place.

All too often, women experience the same conflicts with their ex that originally led to divorce: constant arguments, reactive behavior leading to emotional upsets, old patterns of reliance, the barrage of destructive barbs aimed at your self-esteem and deep hurts. To truly be divorced you must put forth great effort and inner work that will sever your ties to your ex and you must build a structure that will facilitate that work.

Let me give you examples: You and your ex have children together therefore you must be in contact with one another on a regular basis. Unfortunately, your discussions with him always end in an argument. Nothing happens easily. The deep resentments and hurts suffered in your marriage and actual divorce remain intact. You each know each others hot buttons and continue to push those buttons resulting in upsets. Its the old marriage still running the game. You continually get sucked into this abyss.

If this is the case for you know that you have not divorced on an emotional level. You are an ex-wife versus a divorced woman. Somewhere inside of you there is still an attachment of some sort to either your marriage or your ex. You need to look inside to determine where you are still tied to him.

Acceptance of your new place in life is mandatory. Acceptance comes from acknowledging that your marriage is over with no hope or wish for it to continue. Acceptance allows you to living in a way that reveals a freedom from the past. It means living in the present and the future. It takes work but before you can do this work, you must put in place new rules that will lay the groundwork for a completely new relationship with your former husband. These rules are there to protect you from any further hurts or upsets.

You must build a new structure that empowers you versus disempowering you. Take the analogy of going on a diet to lose weight. You need to create an environment that will both motivate and move you towards your goal. To do so you remove all of the temptations that lead to over-eating or eating the wrong foods. You clean out all the junk food form the cupboards and replace them with healthy and non-fattening foods. You create a support system with a friend who you can call when you feel yourself slipping into your old eating habits. You take on a partner in your exercise program. In other words, you do everything that you can to surround yourself with ways to achieve your goal.

You must do the same thing when you are working at disentangling yourself from your ex. Create an environment that will help, not hinder your progress towards true independence. Remove all the temptations to stay connected to your ex. Within this framework you are free to do the inner work of healing.

How does Legal Separation differ from Divorce

Legal separation is where a married couple legally separate without getting divorced. During this legal process decisions regarding children (such as custody, visitation rights and maintenance payments) and financial issues (such as debt, mortgages and assets) are decided upon. It is really an official separation, going further than simply living apart but not as far as getting a divorce. After a legal separation a couple are still legally married but live separate lives. They are formally living apart and the courts may be used if there are any disputes.

In some ways a legal separation is like a divorce, with the most obvious reason being that the couple are not living together. If a couple have children similar arrangements need to be made as they would were they divorcing, either through agreement or through the courts. Where each spouse lives and who pays for it needs to be established as does who has access to shared funds or assets.

So, why do couples choose legal separation instead of just getting divorced? Some opt for this because they dont like the idea of getting divorced, possibly for religious reasons or they dont want the stigma of being divorced. Often couples use legal separation as a trial to see if they would like to stay together or divorce. It gives them time and space to make a decision. They may find that living apart makes them realise they miss each other and want things to return to the way they were, or they may want to be separated permanently. Sometimes legal separation leads to divorce, sometimes it leads to reconciliation and sometimes they remain separated without getting divorced.

Although some couples remain separated for good without divorcing, this is fairly rare. If they are not going to remain together as a couple most will prefer to cut their ties with each other. Another important consideration is that while still married, they are unable to marry anyone else.

So, is legal separation necessary or can couples simply live separately without the legal process? Well, they can if they wish, but it is not always that simple. Whether that is preferable depends on an individual couples situation and preferences. Legal separation can be more complex in some ways due to the legal processes that must be gone through. But, on the other hand, it can also simplify things as they will both know where they stand on certain issues.

Beatrice Sareen (c)

Are Fully Free Divorce Forms Helpful

Divorce is not a joke and it has been found through various surveys that more than 40% marriage cases ends up in divorce out here in United States. This is not a small percentage and it has been found that majority of these cases ends up through violence. A single marriage might cost around $28000. However, a single divorce also needs expenses equal to buying the car. This is certainly not a small amount. Thus, divorce is not a cheap process. However, it is a necessity and most of the people want to have it as they find out that it is the only solution.

There are many kinds of divorce forms and all of them have some specific job to complete. There are separation forms, divorce decree form, uncontested divorce forms and many more. They are available in court, market, and they are available online as well. The free divorce forms however, are available online only and you cannot get them free anywhere else.

It is important to know the divorce laws in detail; otherwise, it is hard to search for the divorce forms. There are generally two kinds of divorce possible. The first one is the adversarial and the second one is done through mediation. Mediation can be cheaper but the adversarial cases are always costly. Generally, in these kinds of cases, more money is required and hence most of the couples try to find the cheaper method for divorce. It is definitely true that majority of divorce cases in United States are headed by the violence.

However, these are due to relationship and personally both of the spouses wants to break the relationship through easy process. This is the main reason why the divorce forms are now being made available online and many firms are now in this business. These forms can be bought free of cost through many sites. However, there are many pitfalls of the online forms as well. It is hard to find out that these free forms are original or fake. This is the most important problem with the divorce papers and thus there are some facts, which need to be kept in mind.

There is much kind of forms available. The first one is the complete step by step instruction set, original answer forms, affidavit for inability to pay, waiver of citation, affidavit for citation by posting, final divorce decree, certificate of last known address, testimony for divorce and many more. Some of the other forms like marriage settlement forms are also quite popular.

Each product is quite useful and has its own importance. However, sometimes it is better to pay some amount and not buy them free of cost. There might be some virus affecting your computer through free products. Some sites however, can be trusted and free divorce forms can definitely be bought. Through this process, the total cost will be only around 250 to 300 dollars. The adversarial cases cost around 28000 dollars and hence there is no doubt at all the online divorce forms is advantageous.

The Khul’ Divorce in Egypt

Under the rules of divorce in Islamic sharia, a husband has the prerogative right to divorce his wife any time, any place, with or without any reason. Under certain conditions, the wife may request from the religious judge a judicial divorce in case of harm or maltreatment (darar), as stated by the Maliki School of jurisprudence.

Based on the wide interpretation of the Maliki School, the wife may seek divorce if she can convince the judge that she is suffering a harm from her husband, a provision that is not allowed by the Islamic Hanafi School of law.

In general terms, Islamic sharia allows the wife to seek divorce under the following conditions: (1) impotency; if the husband is unable to consummate the marriage; (2) his apostasy from Islam; (3) his imprisonment for a long period of time; and (4) if he contracts an incurable skin disease.

The additional harm as a cause for divorce in Maliki interpretation of sharia, allows the wife to bring evidence to the judge showing that the husband used systematic maltreatment, and is unable to provide maintenance to her.

Such provisions in Islamic sharia created hardship for thousands of women who were seeking divorce, but unable to prove the harm factor to the satisfaction of the judge. Women were unable to get out of their un-happy marriages because their husbands refused to consent to the divorce, and the judges were not persuaded with the evidence presented by the women. To remedy this situation, the Egyptian government enacted a law allowing judges to approve the divorce through a process known as Khul, or repudiation, without the consent of the husband.

Khul was practiced in early Islamic period; it allows the wife to obtain a final divorce by means of a financial settlement paid by her to the husband in compensation, without having to prove of harm or maltreatment. Frequently, under the terms of Khul, the wife is required to pay back all or part of the “mahr”, which is the amount of money or objects of value that the husband gave his wife when the marriage contract was signed. Also, she has to relinquish her right to the amount of “mahr” he promised to give her in the future. In addition, the husband must agree to the Khul. In other words, should the husband refuse to consent to the Khul, the wife will be unable to get divorce. Faced with that difficulty, the legislators in Egypt enacted a law in which the judge was given authority to separate the married couple based on Khul without the approval of the husband and without having to prove maltreatment.

On January 2000, former President, Hosni Mubarak of Egypt, issued in the Official Gazette [al-Jaridah al-Rassmiyyah] Law No.1, of 2000, granting women the right to file for a “no-fault” divorce (Khul) on the basis of “incompatibility,” without having to provide evidence of harm. Under the provisions of the new law, the wife may obtain a definitive judicial separation from her husband if she desires so; the only condition she has to satisfy is to forfeit her rights to alimony and her deferred “mahr” (muakhar) as well as repay her advanced “mahr” (muqaddam).

First section of Article 20 of the new law provides the following: “A married couple may mutually agree to separation (al-Khul); however, if they do not agree and the wife sues demanding it [i.e., the separation], and separates herself from her husband (khalaat zawjaha) by forfeiting all her financial legal rights, and restores to him the “mahr he gave to her, then the court is to divorce her from him (tatliqiha alayhi).”

Before the judge rules on Khul, he has to order the couple to undergo a process of reconciliation, and after asking two mediators [hukkam] to pursue conciliation efforts between them for a period that may not exceed three months; and after the wife decides explicitly [tuqarrir sarahatan] that she abhors living with her husband and there is no way to continue married life between them, and that she is afraid to transgress Gods limits of this abhorrence.

It is important to note here that while a woman is required to submit to burdensome and time-consuming court-ordered conciliation, men seeking divorce, on the other hand, are never required to make any efforts at reconciliation. The reconciliation process is rooted in the biased notion that women are not capable of making rational decisions on issues related to divorce. According to one prosecutor in Cairo, mediation was necessary because “a woman may be hasty in filing for a divorce and may not have a strong keenness in keeping the family together. The court has to play this role and intervene. Men are more wise and rationale than women. A womans emotions can overcome her rationality”. (See Divorced from Justice: womans unequal access to divorce in Egypt, Google eBook, p.28).

Section 3 of Article 20 states that the separation order of the judge is “an irrevocable divorce [talaq bain]”; and the courts decision is not subject to any form of appeal. Article 20 of the Egyptian law of 2000 does not accord legal weight to the husbands consent to the terms of Khul divorce. This is based on the Sunnah literature, embodied in the Islamic canonical collections of the sayings and deeds of the Prophet of Islam, and especially the collection of Sahih al-Bukhari, which contain an authenticated version of Muhammads handling of the Habiba separation case in which he ruled to separate her from her husband without asking the husbands permission.

Although Article 20 of the Egyptian Personal Status Law, which grants women the right of Khul is considered a significant accomplishment by womens rights activists, it is harmful to womens financial rights because the wife is forced to give up her mahr, alimony and other gifts provided by the husband during their marriage. Poor women, particularly in rural areas, suffer most of this financial loss.

DISCLAIMER: While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of this publication, it is not intended to provide legal advice as individual situations will differ and should be discussed with an expert and/or lawyer. For specific technical or legal advice on the information provided and related topics, please contact the author.

An authorization to republish this article is hereby granted by the author provided that authors name is attached to the article.

Why Divorce Is So Unfair for Children

Whatever the reason for a couple to divorce, the effects on children can be harmful.

Children love their parents equally and whatever the reasons for a husband and wife to want to end their marriage and go their separate ways, it can not be forgotten how this will impact and affect the children.

Children are hardly ever to blame for a marriage failing. And often they are the innocent victims who lives are completely changed because their parents have decided to split up.

If a marriage is ending because a one of the couple has been unfaithful, the children had no part in this and yet are expected to take sides and willingly accept that their parents will no longer be living together and that the family unit has broken up. Add to this the unimaginable thought of the children having to live with one parent and seeing the other parent on alternate weekends, and you can see how this would badly affect most children especially those who are very small and don’t understand what is going on around them.

Many parents fail to appreciate and understand that their children continue to be affected by this family breakup for many years to come.

Whilst the husband and wife have adapted to being separate, and possibly might have met other partners as time goes on, children still cling on to the hope that their parents might one day get back together again.

They don’t want to see a stranger in their father’s place or another woman with their father. These things can be disruptive especially for young minds and can cause resentment and loathing in children towards the parent who has wronged as well as to the new partners of both parents.

Studies also show that the effects of divorce on young children tend to lead to lower marks at school, mood swings and disruption in the lives of those children whose parents had divorced.

Items Of Public Divorce Records

There is no doubt at all that right to freedom of information act has changed the whole society. Few years back, no one would have thought that he could get the information related to the delicate issues like divorce through online application. However, this is now a reality. The public divorce records are available online through some formalities. The applicant has to fill the form online and then he can get the complete record within few days. It is easy and risk as well as stress free. The divorce might have occurred due to violence or abuse. Through the public records, it is now quite easy to find out all the details.

At second marriage, it is quite possible that the other party will like to know about the person in question. This is definitely possible. All these cases are filed in the county where both the spouse lives. However, keeping the divorce record is the matter of the state government. A very huge state repository is being maintained and it has been found that more than 40% of the marriages in United States are being broken within one year due to the various reasons. Thus, it is quite easy to understand that this state repository is huge and many records are being available.

Generally, these public records contain the details related to child, property, assets as well as the venue and the timing of the divorce. It should be kept in mind that majority of divorces are due to brutal assaults and both the spouse will definitely like to hide it. In fact, most of the records are being declared confidential and hence one will find that such records are not being available. However, on special request and on payment of certain fees these records might be handed over to the applicant.

A perfect divorce record will contain the records like time and location, all the settlement details, grounds for divorce, filing number, final decree as well as the pertinent information. There are many situations when the divorce records might be required. It can be simply a gesture made by some friend. Sometimes the spouse might want to remarry and hence he or she will have to present a copy of divorce record. Some of the government processes require the spouse to prove that they are now single and in all those circumstances, the person involved will have to provide the copy of the divorce record, which they can get through email, phone, and fax or by filling online form.

These details are also used for the genealogy research and there is no doubt at all that these records are very useful. Sometimes one will find that the public divorce records are also used for the negative purposes. Sometimes, the enemies might use them for the blackmailing purposes and this can be very dangerous. However, in 90% cases, these records are being used for healthy purposes and hence, there are no issues at that that these records should not be given to all the people. However, only required information should be given.

Alienation of Affection Laws

Alienation of affection is a term used to point to a tort action brought by a deserted spouse against an individual or a group of individuals who are held responsible for the failure of the marriage. A tort is a wrongful act which causes injury or loss to someone. Tort laws deal with such acts where a persons behaviour or act causes an unfair injury or loss to another person. A tort can be intentional or accidental, but not illegal. Tort laws allow victims of tort to recover their losses. Although alienation of affection law is considered outdated and prehistoric by many, there are lawsuits related that can be justified even today. This subject brings numerous legal issues and often brings up questions which cant be answered by the common man that Experts can answer. The top five queries related to alienation of affection are listed below that have been answered by the Experts:

In which states is alienation of affection law recognized?

Each of the United States has their own rules and regulations for this law. However, there are four states in the US, namely, Illinois, Mississippi, Utah and South Carolina that recognize alienation of affection laws.

Is it possible for someone to file a case under alienation of affection law in Maryland?

The state of Maryland has abolished the law, but allows petitions for divorces. Many states have different standards and not every state recognizes this law in general. Experts can answer state specific law questions.

Does the state of Illinois allow someone to sue for alienation of affection after being diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) due to an affair?

Although IL recognizes it in some cases, the plaintiff must be able to prove conclusively that the defendants lack of affection was the prime cause of the affair or that PTSD was because of the alienation of affection that was caused by the affair from the spouse.

Can someone from a state which doesnt recognize alienation of affection laws file a case in a different state that recognizes the laws

A person can sue someone for alienation of affection only if the person being sued is a resident of a state that recognizes the laws. Apart from this, a person can also sue someone for any emotional distress caused by the person being sued.

Can a lawsuit be filed by someone in the state of Mississippi for alienation of affection after the divorce has been finalized?

It is possible for someone to be sued for even after the divorce. However, in the state of Mississippi, any lawsuit has to be filed within a time period of 3 years starting from the day on which the divorce was finalized.

Divorce attorneys mostly believe that the laws formed around alienation of affection should be abolished. However, there are certain trial lawyers who support such cases. Alienation of affection can range from employer/employee, parental alienation etc., to the biggest and most common form which is divorce-related. If you have any questions concerning alienation of affection laws www.justanswer.com/family-law.

Adjusting To Your Divorce

Parenting through divorce presents new and changing relationships for everyone. Adjusting to the process of letting go of the concept of the two-parent family and accepting the idea of new relationships takes time. Take the time to go slow when initiating a new relationship to give children time to deal with different lifestyles and eventually the possibility of an extended family. Rushing into dating may be viewed by your child as competition for your love and attention. Old fears of abandonment may surface as the fantasy dissolves that the divorcing parents will unite. As a result of the divorce, some children lose trust in adults and are slow to accept a new adult into their life. It is important to talk to your children about their feelings and their role in the new step-family. Communication, reassurance, and time will help your child make the needed adjustment.

Before dating, give your children enough time to adjust to the idea that mom and dad will be seeing other people. Make your activities with your date a part of a group function. Starting your social life with friends the children already know may also help them get the point that you are dating. In the beginning of a new relationship, meet your dates away from home to avoid having a number of different people in your home and your child’s life. Your child had lived through difficult changes and should not be asked to adjust to something else this significant unless it is necessary. Choose with care whom you let get close to your family. Before you introduce them, let your children know the nature of your relationship. Begin with a few short outings to take the pressure off forced conversation. If it looks as if the relationship will be long term, outings can gradually become longer. It is important to reassure your children of your love for them. They are less likely to accept someone they perceive as a threat to their relationship with you. It is crucial that they know that the person is not a replacement for their absent parent.

California State Divorce How to Start Yours

California state divorce laws are not that difficult to understand if you have good information. With the right advice, instructions, and explanations, you can get your own divorce started without hiring an attorney, and save a lot of money on legal fees.

This article will provide an overview of California state divorce laws in the context of how you can start your own divorce. You will learn what California law says about the roles of the Petitioner and the Respondent and implications of each role in the divorce.

The Petitioner and the Respondent. According to California Family Law Code Section 2330, every California state divorce starts with a Petition. The legal term for divorce in the code is “dissolution of marriage”.

The Petitioner is the person who first files papers and gets the case started. The Respondent is the other party. A Response need not be filed, but it is a good idea, otherwise the inactive person has little say about when or how the divorce is completed, unless there is already a written agreement. In order to become officially involved in the divorce, the Respondent will need to fill out and file California Family Law Form FL-120 (the Response).

In general, the more both parties participate, the better. After a Response is filed, the divorce can be completed only by written agreement or court trial. Agreement is better.

Equality. Once a Response is filed, the Respondent has equal standing and there is no legal difference between the parties or their rights, and either party can take any available legal step.

The Petition. So if you are the one who will start your divorce, you will be the Petitioner, and you will need to fill out California Family Law Forms FL-100 (the Petition) and FL-110 (the Summons) and file them with the Clerk at the appropriate courthouse. According to California state divorce law (as described in Family Law Code Section 2331), you will then need to serve your divorce papers on your spouse.

The only thing you need to know before you do this is that you want a divorce. The issues can all be sorted out and resolved later. However, it would be smart to learn the basics about California state divorce law before you start.

Advantages to serving the Petition:
Starts the clock ticking on waiting periods. California state divorce law states that the Respondent has 30 days to respond.
Causes automatic restraining orders to take effect, as per the instructions on the back of Family Law Form FL-110 (the Summons).
Has psychological value for Petitioner and tells Respondent a divorce is really going to happen.
Helps establish the date of separation. According to California state divorce law, the date of separation is whenever you can prove that one spouse intended to make a complete, final break (not just a temporary separation), with simultaneous conduct furthering that intent.

Possible downside. Serving papers can upset your spouse and stir up conflict if you dont properly prepare him or her ahead of time.

Getting a smooth start. Unless your soon-to-be Ex is an abuser/controller, you will probably want to start things off as nicely as possible. An abrupt start will probably increase conflict as an upset spouse is more likely to run to an attorney who will probably make your case more complicated.

So take some time to prepare your Ex and let him/her get used to the idea that a divorce is about to start. If you arent comfortable discussing things in person, write a nice letter. Let your spouse know you are committed to working out a settlement that you can both agree to and live with. Unless you are under time pressure, dont serve your Summons and Petition until your partner seems ready to receive the papers calmly.

The Response. A Response should be filed within 30 days of receiving the Summons and Petition, but can be filed any time before Petitioner declares the Respondents default.

Filing a Response is not an aggressive act. In fact, it is usually a good idea for the Respondent to take part in the action, especially if you have kids or property or debts to be divided. It is easy to do.

The only disadvantages are Respondents filing fee of about $320 for a California divorce, and the possibility that you might have to file a questionnaire about your case in order to avoid a case conference hearing.

There are numerous advantages to filing a Response. If theres no Response, Respondent has little control over when and how the divorce is completed, so the Respondent feels insecure. By filing, Respondent joins the case on an equal standing with Petitioner, so Respondent feels more a part of the process, more in the loop, more confident. Experience and studies show that the more Respondent participates, and understands the California state divorce process, the better the outcome is likely to be.

Child Support in New York

Any couple that goes through a divorce has to deal with many issues, but those that have children usually go through even more acrimony when dealing with custody and support for their children. Child support is financial support provided by the noncustodial parent. Child support includes, cash payments (based on the parent’s income and the needs of the child), health insurance for the child, payments for child care, and payments for reasonable health care costs that are not covered by health insurance. Family Court determines the amount of child support the noncustodial parent will pay. Under New York State law, parents are responsible for supporting their child until the child is 21 years old.

There are guidelines in which the court uses to determine the amount of child support that is owed to the custodial parent, based on the noncustodial parent’s adjusted gross income and on the number of children involved. The court first determines the noncustodial parent’s gross income. The court then multiplies the adjusted gross income by the standard guideline percentage for the number of children. These percentages are as follows:
17% for one child
25% for two children
29% for three children
31% for four children
at least 35% for five or more children.
Then the noncustodial parent’s share of child care, medical, and educational expenses is added to the income percentage amount. The combined amount, percentage of income plus share of expenses, is the basic child support amount.

For incomes over $130,000, the court determines whether or not to use the percentage guidelines and may consider other factors in setting the full child support payment.

The main problem that many noncustodial parents have an issue with is that many fill out long and tedious expense forms and when it comes time to determine the monthly the courts do not take into consideration the expenses of the noncustodial parent. If you cannot pay your child support you can file a “petition for modification” with the court that issued the support order. Only the court can change what you owe. Just because you think you cannot pay, do not stop paying. Continue to pay what you can while you wait for the court to make a decision. You should know that the court will only change the amount of support you need to pay if there has been a substantial change in your ability to pay.

Dealing with child support and child custody it can be very emotional, remember that in the end you want what is best for your children.